THE UNREAL POLICE – Scene 1
THE UNREAL POLICE
He can do the impossible within one and a half minute….anytime, anyplace, single hand!
This is a super hit movie!
Twenty thousand years back……
Two idiots are waiting behind the bushes near the highway waiting to waylay poor travelers. They are idiots because they don’t know there are two police constables [who are idiots too] standing behind them with handcuffs ready. And these constables are idiots because they assumed the two idiots before them were really idiots which they presumably are not. The fact is to be proved soon.
One red Maruthi 800 comes racing on the highway. The idiots get up and are immediately handcuffed by the constables. The idiots immediately pull out two large swords and behead the police men thus proving their non-idiocy. But they are not clever either because the idiots do not know there is a Hero No. 1 waiting behind another tree and watching all their movements.
The idiots run forward and stop the Maruthi. The Maruthi stops. There is a newly wed couple in the Maruthi. The idiots pull the couple out and demand money. The Hero No. 1 is still watching.
The man from the car says, ‘Please take these rings and my car. I do not have any money, I have credit cards if you want them’
‘Credit Cards? What! Do you take us for idiots? This is twenty thousand years back, the credit card has not been invented yet!’, says one idiot angrily.
‘Please use your brains Mr. Idiot No. 1. If the Maruthi exists now, so does the credit card, pleads the man from the car.
‘Oh alright then, give me your credit cards and tell me the address to the nearest ATM’
‘Here…..and here is my wife’s credit card too.’ His wife glares at him. ‘Please take the first right from here, you will come across a petrol bunk. There is no ATM there but if the government has its way, then in twenty years it will become mandatory for every petrol bunk to have its own supermarket and an ATM’
The two idiots nod, take the cards, gold and get into the car. The wife starts shouting for help.
Hero No. 1 is still watching. He doesn’t want to get into action yet. He was waiting for the right time when his entry would be more dramatic and heroic.
The two idiots start the car and are about to leave when the husband shouts.
‘Please don’t rape my wife!’
The idiots are shocked. They curse themselves for not getting the thought before. They come out of the car. The wife immediately shouts.
‘Please don’t kill my husband.’
The idiots promptly behead her husband. The head rolls to the feet of Hero No. 1 and gapes at him blankly. Hero No. 1 dives behind a bush and pukes silently.
The idiots approach the woman. She starts screaming for help formally.
Hero No. 1 decides now is the time to get into action. He combs his hair and wets his moustache with oil. And jumps. He does a few somersaults in the air and lands between the woman and the idiots. He opens the long black overcoat he is wearing and a police uniform is revealed within. He is the Real Police. There are a dozen medals on his chest and a couple of belts around the waist. The shirt and pant are brand new and neatly pressed.
Hero No. 1 starts fighting with the idiots. Suddenly he realizes that about twenty fighters have appeared from nowhere and are pummeling him. He takes a whistle from his pocket and blows it shrilly. Immediately the whole area is lit with floodlights.
A dozen police cars appear from nowhere and three helicopters fly above busily abusing the clouds. The fighters promptly disappear. The idiots are dumbfounded and stand together like a bunch of idiots.
Two policemen get down from a car and stand beside Hero No. 1. They are the Hero’s brothers-in-law, Sarvottam Reddy and Karthavarayan, one is a Hindi guy who speaks heavily accented Telugu and the other a Tamilian who speaks nothing but Tamil. They are twins.
‘Ha!’ says Hero No. 1.
‘Ha, ha ha!’ cry out Hero’s Brothers-in-law. Immediately Hero No. 1 knows he is betrayed.
Two bullets enter Hero No. 1’s chest. One punctures both his lungs and the other slips into the right atrium of the heart and comes out of the left ventricle.
The police cars and the helicopters disappear.
Hero No. 1 clutches his chest and turns back. He looks at the twins with an expression of utmost shock. The twins gesture the idiots and they insert their swords into the Hero No. 1. One blade enters the kidney and causes renal failure while the other enters the buttocks and gets stuck in the shit.
Hero No. 1 starts mouthing heavy sentimental dialogues.
‘You bastards, you ate my salt and my malt. Now you shoot bullets into my heart. Your betrayal pains me more than your bullets!’
Hero No. 1 then recites the national anthem followed by a dozen other patriotic songs that includes, strangely, the nursery rhyme ‘Mary had a little lamb’! Finally, realizing he is eating up too much film, our Hero No. 1 takes out a large national flag, lies on the ground, covers himself with the flag and promptly dies.
Then he wakes again and says ‘Abey Kuththey!’ and dies again.
Suddenly Hero No. 1’s wife and two children come running down the highway. Hearing the news of Hero No. 1’s plight they ran 300 miles from their home even though many transport companies offered their buses in hope to get publicity. They refused all means of transport because their love for Hero No. 1 gave them super fast mobility on feet.
The twins promptly murder the wife and one girl. But the small kid is made of sterner stuff. Bullets refuse to enter his body. He grabs a handful of his father’s medals, his mom’s ‘mangalsutra’, his sister’s nose ring, then slaps his thighs and runs into the forest. The idiots run after him. But the kid is saved by his uncle who is hiding in the forest in fear. His uncle promises to let the kid kill the idiots once he grows up. The kid agrees and goes to sleep.
End of scene 1